so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
There r osticjed everywhere
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
