apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
Randomize
