the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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