just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I booty called her while she was in labor.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
