I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
