Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
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