His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
