My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
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She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
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Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Randomize