Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
