I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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