Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Randomize
