So drunk its hurt
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Randomize
