Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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