Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Randomize
