wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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