my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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