I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
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