Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
