So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
