She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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