Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Randomize
