Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
