I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
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