I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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