Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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