your thong is hanging out like whoa
You're so nebulous sometimes
Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
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