im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
