Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
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