I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
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