Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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