I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Randomize
