new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
this just has baby written all over it
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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