I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
