This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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