Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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