i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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