All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
