The maid of honor just puked.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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