Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
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