It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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