im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
