I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
