you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
