Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
