you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Randomize
