You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
