just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
