and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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