just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
