Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
