I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Randomize
