i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
