I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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