I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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