I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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