I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
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