I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
This can only be settled by a dance off.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
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