Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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