YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Randomize
